I found out i get judged even by the people i thought wouldn't judge me. Every single person i meet does it, even the one who is my "best" friend thought i was a "poser" when she met me v.v no she didn't say that to my face, i just read it, thats what i get for snooping i guess.

oh well.

a best friend isnt neccessaraly a best for the job, its an easy title to get when the other kid doesnt hardly have ANY FRIENDS. v.v

well...im so depressed tonight. I feel used. I dont know what to say anymore. I have been having problems again. I feel like such a pathetic lowely thing. I'm not another fish in the sea im the scum at the bottom of the ocean. =/

mreeeh.... Its nights like this one that im not sure what im really living for. No one REALLY likes me. They just end up using me to get something/someone they want.

I've gotten so shrunk up in my shell. im just a shell of the girl i once was.I hate being this way but i just cant seem to recover from what ever it was that sucked all the life from me.

I honestly dont remember. MAybe it was a cobination of things and then just some silly butterfly landing on the top sent it all falling crushing the girl cowering beneath. killing her to an extent that seems beyond repair. I lost everything and i dont even know how or when. but its all gone.

thinking back as im writting i know what it was .... it was him. He was the cause. After he came i wasnt the same i became a pathetic blubbery mess and when he smashed me beneath his feet i couldn't pick the pieces back up. i started to pull myself together again... then the animal (well call him) came and stole pieces from what i was trying to piece back together.

so whats left sitting here tonight is broken horribally shatters and missing some large shards essential to moving forward. He is dangling them just out of reach never to be returned. They did this to me, the two of them together broke me and kept me broken.

now i dunno what to do.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

GRAH

ok

so, i thought was getting myself into a real relationship for ONCE IN MY LIFE!
and what happened you ask?

HE USED ME

he "hooked up" with me, i guess you could say, then what happens a week later? hmmm he's back with his Ex who he used to hate the sight of >.> freaking liar. I want to hurt someone. Im just so angery because he is the only one who has EVER show interested, kissed me, made a single real move on me. And it turns out, i got to be the rebound, and oh, by the way THIS ISNT THE FIRST TIME HE DID THIS TO ME. Last time it wasn't so serious, but this time... oh this time... i can never ever trust him again.


I can't even trust him as a friend anymore. But the sad thing is, unless i find someone, this will probably happen for a 3rd time. I need to realize what a lose he really is but i just keep forgetting.

This ex.... she has been in a relationship with someone else for atleast 2 years, it ended and she ran back to this guy in the same week. And he just the same week had been supposedly wanting me =/ screw this shit. I don't want to associate with either one of them, But yah know what? chances are pathetic little me wont be able to stay away. -_-

I feel so used

And i just can't figure out whats wrong with me. I lost all this weight, I've become someone completely different on the outside then i was a year ago, but now im even more misserable. I changed for ME to make myself happy. And now im miserable. Sitting in self-loathing.

I haven't been sleeping and i've been eating more then i use to, but i refuse to let myself gain back my lost weight, i still want to lose more... even though it hasn't truly made me happy.

Looong rant

I know WHAT i want. I just don't know who. I need someone to love me, to tell me not to conform to what other people think im suppose to be. To think im beautiful when i can't look myself in the mirror, to put up with me even in my bitchy and depressed times. I need someone to hold me close with more then just lust in their heart.

I'm so tired of being alone and miserable, at sixteen im at the end of my leash with the world and i need someone to help me make better desicions before i continue making the stupid ones i have this year.

This year has been shit so far for me. Sure i look better, but i feel worse. I'm so drained i havent even been feeling inspired to draw. thats bad.

Well im heading of to be a CIT [counselor in training] at a girls camp in the morning and wont be home till friday night. Maybe i'll get some sleep and build a little confidence while im out of this shitty town.

Then im suppose to leave for a hardcore canoe and hiking trip with people from church, the following Sunday. it'll be intense and im doubting my physical  and Mental readiness. wont be back from that till the NEXT friday.

Maybe i'll feel better after having pushed myself to the limit, I sure hope so.

Can't rant where i use to, so im gonna come hide here.